Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Have You Seen Him?

Hi Me Darlings,

X_X Yes, yes I know I've been bad. I didn't make it through my blog challenge even those who started after me have finished! *sigh* story of my life! I'm actually really mad at myself because I was hoping for once I'd finish something I started. I'm thinking of still continuing just to prove the negative voice in my head wrong.

Neways, it's been a whirl-wind these past three weeks plus. I miss the days when I was a child and was free of making decisions that involved other people...when life was care-free and just pleasant. I respect bloggers who are open and candid about their lives, I wish i could do that. Part of the reason I stay anonymous is so I can be free to express myself, emotions and all, but still I can't. Why? Afterall, this is my blog you might ask. Well first off there's the feelings of other parties involved to be respectful of, then there's just the fear of being judged by readers. I knw we might say "ohh I dnt judge", but we all do unconsciously. We create this perception of a person based on the parts of themselves that they share with us, and sometimes we are wrong. Neways, my point is I dnt wanna be wrongly judged or misunderstood and I also dnt want people who haven't met me to have the wrong impression.

And so for the above reasons I can't really say and express myself the way I would want to. (I should just shut down the blog then, right? :) ) Life is like a classroom, we keep showing up to class everyday and learning something new, but we never graduate or stop learning until we take our las breath. Isn't it funny how when you need to make a decision and you reach out to ppl who you respect and love for their advice/2cents and they tell you "do what makes you happy" smh lol....if I knew what made me happy, I won't be coming to you for advice. And then some say A, some say B and at the end you're back at square even more confused than you were. *sigh*

"Do what makes you happy" I wish I had a looking glass that would allow me look into the future so I could tell what exactly would make me happy. But life doesn't work that way right? I know I know. So I'm gonna have to figure this one out the hard way (which some people think is the easy way, but trust me its not). I'm going to take it one day at a time, and just go with it. I have no rulebook, no map, no compass etc just one day at a time.
And yes! I know I need God to help me, and be my ultimate guide but here's the problem...we've not been on talking terms for a while! Yes, I know He's there waiting for me to reach out...but that's the problem I keep reaching out and falling off along the way. If I were God I'd be tired of myself, and I know He's not me but still *sigh*  
I've tried reaching out lately, but something's not clicking. Like normally I would have a conversation with Him, like He was sitting next to me and just talk...but I've tried and I can't get past the first two sentences. Don't know what it is... It's either He's so mad at me that He's currently not listening (y'all know as merciful as He is He still gets angry sha), OR I've just drifted so far away that there's so much noise between me and Him that even though He's there I can't hear Him cos of the "noise", OR I haven't hit rock bottom enough yet; maybe I'm supposed to hit rock bottom so that my cry for help will be louder than it is now, OR maybe I haven't tried to reach out enough and I should just try harder *sigh* I'll keep trying! 

Apartment hunting sucks a**!!! Especially in this freaking NYC! I need to find a room-mate and then apartment before the end of Fall because I don't want Winter to meet me on this my current work commute. My commute each way is about an hour 15mins, and I knw it'll be worse in the Winter with bus delays from the snow and all that BS. Please if you know if anyone in the NY area who is looking for a room-mate please let me know. No weirdos pls! I like to go out once in a while, like to hang out but I also love to have my own space and privacy so I know how to give people theirs. Things I can't stand are dirt and untidiness!!! Hair balls in the shower, dirty dishes in the sink for days, garbage not thrown out are a NO NO! 

Neways, Let me stop before I bore you guys to death with my random ramblings. But I want to say thank you to two people; just when I think I'm doing a good job of putting on a smiley face when infact I'm down and out...they read between the lines and the smileys... so Thank YOU to my booski Lohi and my dear Neefemi!!! I appreciate the both of you!!!  

Have an awesome day!

Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma!     



LohiO said...

Remember if it isn't all ok, it isn't the isn't the end yet...:D

Giagerry said...

"If I were God I'd be tired of myself"--Well then we thank God we r not God! Dont fret u will be fine, dont get tired of trying to talk to him though--like work on it as hard as possible, it would get better.

dayor said...

I understand how you feel trust me..about you staying anonymous because you don't want to be judged, about you wanting to make a decision that deals with people and you just seem lost...& you wanting to talk to God and you just cant figure it out..

Funny this has been me a lot of times over..But some how things just works it self out...its so frustrating especially when I know I need to talk to God and it isn't just clicking..but you know what I do? I just talk to him all the same, even if I sleep off or don't even make it pass the 2nd line...I just keep 1, day 2, day 3..and before I know it, our communication gets better

God can never be too tired of us that he wont hear us, we just need to acknowledge him as God and try not to take his mercies for granted

I pray you get a good accommodation and real soon too, and try talking to God'll be fine. (((Hugs)))

am sorry this is soooo long

LusciousRon said...

God is never tired and he is always listening. You will find your way.

All the best with apartment hunting.

Jayde Curlz said...

Enigmatic lady, true. I love the naturality in ur blogs. Ur surely someone i'd like to be friends with if u really don't mind...i'm another crazy dude who scribbles too...
About ur status, its not untrue how sometimes we feel disconnected with HIM, but then we must never be quick to self judgement. What keeps us going is what we see ahead and need to achieve...
Once again, I love ur originality. I hope u don't ask who this random dude is that wants to come with benefits!
Please check my blog to see my thoughts...jst joined so it may not be too nice tho:)