Saturday, September 17, 2011

...Are You Happy?

Hi Guys,

It's been a very very long minute.
Sorry my life got a bit chaotic, and just had to take some time off here.
Work is going okay...6months so far and it kinda feels longer than that. Bless God for everything.
My side gig is going good, baby-steps in the right direction hopefully. Was part of a big Naija event recently and I am grateful for the experience and the connections made. God go continue go dey make me bigger in Jesus name.

I was reading Neefemi's post about a friend asking her if she was happy...and that's a question I've been asking myself and everybody has been asking me in the past two months plus. And I still don't know what my answer is. What is happiness? How do you measure happiness? Is happiness a fleeting moment? Is it a conscious decision regardless of what's happening within and around you? How do you decide to be happy when somewhere within you there are questions of what-if, nagging at you and tugging at you?

So yeah, I don't know if I am happy, because I am not exactly sure what this happiness truly is. But there are moments during my day when I smile. When I'm drowning heavy in my PR work, keeping busy, surrounded by people, having a good time and in good company, I don't feel low, or sad. I laugh, I dance, I smile, I give hugs, air kisses and I can be described as bubbly. But then there are those moments, usually when it's just me, myself and I, when I'm having conversations in my head and playing back the tape of my life so far and daydreaming of what the future could possibly hold, I can't help but wonder and ask myself questions.

Did I make the right decision? They say it's usually toughest just before dawn. Did I give up just before dawn? Am I such a heartless, and selfish person for walking away when I was needed? *sigh* I'm not the most generous or kindest or a Mother Teresa kind of person, but I do the best I can to be there for people close to me and whom I love. And in times like this when I'm the one now causing someone and in a way myself pain and hurt, it sucks! It really does. But God knows I tried. I believe I did. And as much as I would like to hang in there, and be strong... I just don't have the strength to keep on. I feel drained. 
If you watch Grey's Anatomy and remember when Meredith was drowning and refused to swim or save herself...and Derek kept asking her why? That's what this feels like.

I just can't will myself, my heart and my mind to hold on. I'm just there watching as it slips away and I just can't will myself to hold on. And before u say oh isn't it worth fighting for? It is. But I dnt have the strength. *sigh* I wonder if I'll regret letting a really good one go. Will I ever find one just as good or even better? They say its hard to find these days...but that if you get back on the scene, take ur time and pray u'll find a good one. Problem is I've never really been on the scene, so I feel like a fish out of water. Having to start all over, learn a new person all over, likes and dislikes, their past, present and dreams, to begin building all over *sigh*

I miss companionship
I miss conversations; deep and trivial
I miss jokes; new and repeated
I miss arguments; nah not really
I miss the endearing name calling
I miss the understanding that comes with time together
I miss feeling like part of a team
I miss knowing that I'm someone's woman
I miss my bestfriend; real bad

What I don't miss?

I don't miss having to wait 11months to be kissed, held and cuddled
I don't miss having to wait 11months before cooking and eating together
I don't miss coming home to loneliness and a cold bed and wishing
I don't miss the numbness I get from typing for hours on bbm
I don't miss not being able to make weekend plans even if it meant hopping on a plane to go visit him a few hrs away...

My point is distance sucks! It's not like ending the relationship means I get to do all these things it doesn't. But at least I'm in not in pain of longing and wishing and hoping. Now I just know I dnt have it at all, than to have it and its out of reach. I miss him sometimes. But they say time heals. I just hope I didn't let "the one" go.

Let me go and eat and try and be productive for the remaining 6 hours of the day. I've been trying to immerse myself in work cos when I'm busy I don't have time to think or feel or second guess...but as for happiness, I don't really know what it means but from hour to hour, day to day I try to find a smile here, or a laugh there and just be. I've never really been single so this is new to me, I'm trying to enjoy it and find myself lol these are terms single ppl sometimes use to deceive themselves lol but its all good. It is well!

Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma!