Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Random. Honest. Me.

Y'ello there me darlings,

How's everyone's week going so far? Hope great! It's funny how I can put together well organized post in my head and then when I get on here, I go blank; and stare at my screen for ages. Oh well, you will have to do with the disorganized ramblings of my thoughts.

I went for my pole dancing class only once :( I had to miss yesterday's class to prep for a pitch meeting with a major tv station (praying for a positive outcome in Jesus name). Neways I have one class left this Thursday and I am not missing it for anything. I enjoyed the first class. It was shocking to see regular everyday, working chics who have been taking the class and now have pro moves! I'm like dang it must feel real good to be able to work that pole, and also treat your man once in a while. But dang my right wrist and upper arm were hurting afterwards...but it was worth it. Learned a few moves, don't know when I'll put them to use though lol but I'll keep 'em in my bag of tricks for a rainy day. If you've never taken a class, you definitely should. It's not dirty or vulgar as some people might think. It's just exercise really.

Up next are my Latin/Salsa dance classes :) Woot woot! 

I'm not the confrontational type. I just can't...especially with friends and people close to me. When some close to me upsets me, I just withdraw like a snail, into its shell. I give the person space, silent treatment and just avoid it. Why? Because I don't trust my tongue especially when I'm hurt or mad. I have the ability to say something that can be really, rude, hurtful and rather than say something have to apologize for it later. And take it from someone who can hold on to words, there are certain things (words) that hurt so much and even after an apology it still hurts. But yeah, I've been withdrawn for weeks now...work in progress.

#Random I just got this really nice chiffon, long sleeve top from F21. iLove! Been wanting one for a long time now. Wore it to a friend's b'day thing this weekend and everyone loved it too.

Excited and anxious for December...not sure how things are going to go but time will tell. God dey.

The other day my Mom and I are grocery shopping, and I'm teasing her about the huge tub of ice-cream she put in the cart...and she's like please allow me to pamper myself...I want to be pampered but since there's no one to pamper me, I'll pamper myself. *sigh* We laughed it off. But Lord how I wish I could change that for her. Even in old age, nobody wants to be lonely. But unfortunately, she's not one to date, and truth is even she wanted to she wouldn't know how to...where to start from. My Dad was here first and only boyfriend. Speaking of my Dad, it's been a minute since I called him...I should fix that this week.

As much as I like my personal space and privacy, I do not like being lonely either. I've been trying the whole be by myself and all thing for a few weeks, but there's nothing like companionship. And so I went back to spending time with someone who I kinda sorta shouldn't be spending time with, dnt judge me orelse I won't tell y'all stuff anymore lol. I just enjoy taking walks, going to see a movie, grabbing lunch...going alone ain't fun and my close friends are man'd up. I don't like being the third wheel *shrugs* It is well.

Speaking of movies, I saw Real Steel featuring Hugh Jackman two weekends ago, and iLoved it! Really good movie. If you haven't seen it, you def should. Robot and Kid = Cuteness! :) 

In other news, it is true what they say about Dogs and Babies being chic magnets for guys! I was on the train this weekend and this dude and his GF got on the train, and the guy was holding this really cute, fit in one hand kinda dog and immediately everyone's attention was on him. Chics were gravitating towards him, smiling and petting the dog, asking questions and all and from there small talk. Meanwhile, the girlfriend was there just overlooked and forgotten lol.         

Aiight, I think I've talked/written enough, let me stop before I bore you. Before I go let me jst say I wasn't happy with Tiwa Savage's Love Me (3x) video. Production, casting and all were on point but the story line was non existent and I felt there was so much material with the lyrics of the song to work with. *sigh* oh well.

Ok that's it for real! Have a great Tuesday evening and do things that make you happy, and allow you to sleep easy at night!

Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma!        

Thursday, October 6, 2011

"I Was Here..."

Hallo there,

How's everyone doing? Hope your week has been great so far! It's Thursday already, and the weekend is around the corner! Time is flying!

RIP Steve Jobs. Yesterday the world lost a very, very innovative mind. I wasn't a religious follower of his work, life and achievements, but his impact on the world as we all know it today, is profound. It is everywhere. I am currently typing from a Mac. I've also never listened to his famous 2005 Stanford commencement speech, but I've read excerpts of it here and there. One of the many lines that I've read over and over again is this one;

You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

There are sooo many other really good and meaning quotes from his entire life. I'll share some as time goes on. I was listening to Beyonce's "I Was Here" earlier on today, and I think the song has the perfect lyrics for the way in which Steve Jobs led his live, and encouraged the rest of us to. May his soul rest in peace, and may the good Lord give his family the fortitude to bear the loss.

So moving on, remember how I said I needed to get my butt off of my couch and do stuff! Yeah, so I just remembered that I had bought some LivingSocial coupon for pole dancing classes in early Spring. :) And they are expiring this week! So I called up the place and out of courtesy they allowed me to still use them even after the expiration date. I have 4 classes scheduled over the next two weeks! Funny thing, I looked at the address and the studio is located 5mins from where an apartment I wanted to move into is. *sigh* I knew that apartment was 'the one'! If only I would find a room-mate!!!

In addition to the pole dancing classes, I also just got a coupon for unlimited Salsa/Latin dance classes for one month! It was only 30bucks! If you know me well, you wld know I love to dance! Sometimes I prefer dancing alone sef, cos then I dnt have to move according to someone elses rhythm or pace. It's the one thing that makes me happy. I've always wanted to take dance classes, hip-hop is next on the list! I'm so happy the studios are all close to my job so I can just walk in and take a 10min train too. 

Part of the my reasons for letting go, of my pretty good relationship asides from the distance issue, was fear. Fear that I was giving all myself to something/someone and that I hadn't lived. I'll explain more another day, but for now I'm going to try and just live, love myself, and make an impact. So I'm going to start with this dance thing. And then I can check that off my list. :) 

I've got to run now...It's 5.22pm and I need to go thread my eyebrows and grab diner or something with a friend who's visiting.

Have a blessed evening!

Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma!  

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Shoegasms + Sunday Blues

Happy Sunday to everyone.

I've been battling whether to blog or not. But there's some form of temporary relief I get from putting up a post. It's kind of like a letter in a bottle kind of moment. It's not directed at anyone, but just putting out there in the universe and letting it go wherever it may. Excuse me if this post comes off all disjointed and a tad bit unorganized but I could careless at the moment.

I haven't been to church in months. I was away from home most of the summer weekends, and now its fall and having to walk in the cold to and fro, just discourages me. Is it something I'm happy about? Def not. I think I need a new church too. My current church is the Salvation Army church (yeah, besides helping the needy, they do have a church. Lots of people don't know that) and its a great church structure for the most part. But this branch, doesn't have people my age. I kind of feel different, I don't know why. And its so so small a congregration that the Pastors know everyone individually. When I listen to praise songs I like to boogy down, but I can't cos everyone is gonna look at me like "What is wrong with her" *shy face* I want a church where I can dance for the Lord with other people, and not be singled out. Its just older folks at this church. *sigh* Am I wrong to want this? Or feel this way? 

Fall is here. And I am not excited, neither am I a fan. Me and cold in any form are not friends. I love warmth. But it is what it is right? So I've got to deal with it. I can believe we are in October already! I still remember Jan 2011. Christmas is around the corner. I hope when I look back on this year, I'll be happy with how far I've come. Amen.

I cried today. And that's why I'm here blogging. Blogging is temporarily therapeutic. I start off, delete, start again delete. Asking how much is too much to write, to share. I worry about people using something I put on here to hurt me...then I shdn't put anything on here u might say; I guess I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I try as much as I can to not live my life based on other people's rules or expectations.

So yeah, I cried today. Can't remember the last time I cried...scratch that I just did lol. About a month ago and it was out of anger. Today's was just as a result of holding it in, holding it together and getting through. I guess my poor eyes, and heart couldn't hold anymore. They needed to pour out and make room. :)
It's funny the thing that triggers my breakdowns. My Sis called, and the conversation was mono-syllabic and just disconnected. And then she asks, "Are you okay?"...I mumbled "I'm fine," hung up ten seconds later and the water works were in full effect. The ugly cry. 

And now as I type, the tears are streaming down. :) *sigh* MsUndercover. So what's the problem you ask? I'm honestly not sure I know...or maybe I do and can't really share. It's been about two months plus and I miss him. I miss the friendship the most. This is what happens when your boyfriend is also a bestfriend...you lose both. As much as I want to talk to him, I restrain myself from reaching out, because I don't want to send out the wrong message...and make him think that I want us back, because wanting us back will mean I am willing to commit to a long distance rship for the time being...and that I cannot promise. I do not have the strength and will power for that. And it will be selfish of me to reach out to fulfill my need for my bestfriend, when he's hurting for a relationship lost. So instead of dragging him on to this roller-coaster of emotions that I'm on, I leave him be. 

I need new friends  acquaintances in my life. People to do things with and help keep me busy, distracted and generally help get me out of this depressed mood. I don't like it. I need a distraction, and no not a male distraction, I haven't learned how to not get attached yet so until then no men for me. There are so many activities in this crazy NY, but my commute won't allow me partake :( . This is why I want to move so bad...Lord find me a room-mate please!

In other less depressing news, I went shopping yesterday. People eat when they are down, I shop. Plus I haven't gone shopping in weeksss! So I indulged heavily yesterday X_X. Don't judge me. Neways, the shoe-goddesses were on my side yesterday 'cos I don't know how else to explain these:

Halston from Bakers for $39.99!!!

Jessica Simpson from TJMaxx for $39.99!!!

For someone who doesn't go out often, wears jeans and a top to work Mon - Fri, and stays indoors most weekends, I should not be buying shoes lol. But c'mon at 40 bucks, these were a good deal! My other weakness, skirts! Especially the ones with pockets! I like them cos you can wear them in Summer, and also in Fall and Spring too with tights :) *sigh* The things that make my heart go pitter patter. 

Aiight me darlings, see the tears have stopped flowing, for now...I pray it stays this way all through the week and through next weekend! Let me go and try and prepare for the week, and generally be productive. All this crying, and things I dnt like at allllllllll!!!!! Mba nu! But yeah, if you're ever in the NY area please, please holla...I need people who will motivate and drag me out from underneath this warm duvet and bed that I plant myself in Fri - Sun. It's NOT the way forward, and it's not me! I'm the girl who loves to have a good time, wants everyone to have a good time too! But above all, put me in your prayers...for strength from the Lord, and guidance.

Have a wonderful and blessed week everyone!

Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma :)