Saturday, April 3, 2010

...Long Distance Relationship 101...

Hi Blogsville,

How's the Easter weekend going? Hope great!
I have so much to tell you guys; initially I was gonna blog about some random twitter incident/drama that happened to me, but after Vera's show today, I have something else to blog about. If u missed the Verastic radio show for this week then u're on a long thing! The topic was LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) and you ur girl had to call in and drop her two cents :). So basically, this post is my POV on LDRs, supported with my personal experience.

First and foremost, let me start off by saying LDRs are not for everyone. I say this because a LDR is no joke, it requires a lot of commitment, trust, patience and sacrifice. If you know you can't handle not seeing the person u're in a relationship with for more than a week, month or in my case a year, then just jejely save urself the madness, heart- ache and having to explain why u cldn't control ur 'agro' n 'hysteria' (cc:NiceAnon's post) and went to cheat. I repeat LDRs are not for the weak at heart, and for those who need human servicing on the regular!!!

It is great to be in a relationship with someone who you connect with on so many levels; someone who you are attracted to intellectually, emotionally, physically (very very important oo if, spiritually and all the other 'ally' connections that there might be. But I also advice that you and this person are on the same page in regards to career, goals, core-values, and education. He/She should share the same core-values as you so that your foundation is not shaky, and u atleast agree on the values that guide ur way of life, if not u'll end up arguing on everything and anything. He/She should either be in school getting their smarts on, if they've graduated then they shd either be working or pursuing their studies further, if its business they're doing then they better be working their butts off...bottom line is they shd have goals, be driven and be doing something about those goals if not it'll be hard when one person is moving forward and the other is stagnant. U begin to wonder where is this relationship going, is there a future? Can he/she handle responsibilities? And once doubt sets begin to withdraw and slowly it all comes crashing.

Relationships are an investment, and LDRs are a greater investment. I say this because you devote time, emotions, finances and yourself to someone other than yourself with the hopes that that person will give you some ROI (return on investment). Unlike regular relationships where you get to see the person on a regular bases, LDRs are different so to make up for the physical absence the parties involved have to find ways to fill that void and keep the relationship interesting and constantly connected. You spend hours on the phone calling, texting, chatting, skyping, and webcamming*. You drive hours, fly across state lines and across continents to spend quality time, holidays, anniversaries and so on. For important celebrations you send flowers, presents, and lil' reminders just to let them know u're thinking of them.

All these things cost money, and that's why I mentioned in d previous paragraph dat both parties better be doing smething and have some form of financial income. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying money is everything or that it is the foundation on which a solid relationship shd be built; I know that the little things matter and there are somethings that money can't buy...but the reality is this- Big things matter, and little things matter too, but neither the big or the little things come for free...they have to be paid for. I mean check this...its not her birthday but you want to send her flowers just have to pay for it. You want to have her over during her one week Spring Break, errmm you gotta pay for the flight or drive down. Its his birthday and you can't be there, but u want to send his pressie anyway, after spending about 100bucks on a gift, you still gotta pay UPS or Fedex to ship it...if its overseas well u do the math. You spend hours on the phone and go over ur minutes, you know the phone company dnt waste time in sending you that huge mercy. So u get the picture now? LDRs are talk say I no tell you o!

When I tell people I am in a LDR I see the skepticism in their faces, and the next thing they ask is "Aren't you worried he'll cheat?" and I ask "What stops me from cheating?". It's always easier to think the guy is d one who will cheat, but we babes are not an exception. The truth is if a guy wants to cheat he'll cheat, whether u are at the North Pole or right next to him. We see it everyday, u go out and a guy is wiv his babe but is asking u for ur number. Now this dsn't mean I've never let the thought cross my mind; I used to worry about it at the early stage but if I spend mre time worrying over what I had no control over and no actual proof of, I lose out on all the other great things that this man and relationship has to offer. So if you know you can't handle worrying, thinking, over-analyzing and spy-checking every minute, then spare yourself the high-blood pressure.

Since this post is getting long I'm gonna end on this note, with a message for those who know someone in a/an LDR. Please, please for the love of God, don't be sour and negative about it. Ur friend tells you he/she is in a/an LDR and you immediately start spewing out a number of reasons why the relationship is doomed, why it won't work out and how ur experience was horrible so therefore all others will be just as horrible. Please save us the sermon. This is someone's relationship for crying out loud, show some respect. If you want to drop your two cents do it with sense. They say one man's meat is another man's poison, the fact that urs didn't work out or u've heard dat dey dnt work is not enuff proof that this one wouldn't. Not all face-to-face/ regular relationships make it, so if a/an LDR dsn't make it, it dsn't mke it. Maybe it jst wasn't meant to be, or it was time to call it quits, or the people were jst wrong for each other.

Its hard enough being away from a loved one, dnt make it worse by disrespecting ur friends relationship, and mocking it; encourage and support him/her. If it works out rejoice with them, if it doesn't over a shoulder, an ear, some tissue and organize a girls/guys nite out...cos dats wat friends are for. Be the Cristina to your Meredith!!!!! Be their person!!!

I'm gonna do a part II on this topic. If you have any questions pls drop them in the comment box or e-mail me:

Have a wonderful Easter everyone!!!!
Love you guys loadzzz.....

Talk to you guys soon,
Miss Enigma!!!


Yinkuslolo said...

i feel u on that money.

i was in a LDR for a minute but hey, u even invest time and cannot really mutlitask like spending time with him while u both study and shit (ie in a LDR).

yo, still expecting ur email,

Scarlet said...

*Standing Ovation* WOW!!!
This is a lovely write-up. Girl i'm on you 100% on ur point of view, i found my self nodding all through out. I've been(and am still) in a LDR for 6 year and while its been so hard its been worth it; no question at all.
I thin i better go listen to vera's show cuz it sound interesting


I personally enjoy this one. Maybe cos I am into one. The fact that people should respect their friends on a LDR is something that should be a continuous sermon. Cheers for the word.


Ms.O said...

Friend! You hit the nail right at the perfect spot. It is true. LDR's require so much work ON BOTH SIDES. it cannot just be one person doing all the calling, flying, texting and what not. And they are not so bad, as long as you both put in the work... Good write up babes!

shorty said...

This is soo on point. I'm doing the LDR thingy too, its not easy at all i tell ya!

BBB said...

I am in one right now
We have been apart for about a year now
Its really crazy cos we are not used to d distance
I miss him every second of evry day
And d calls and bbms aren't enuff to aleviate d hurt
Recently there have been heated quarells and doubts but it
Comes with the territory and nothing is evr easy
The key to surviving ldr is love
You just have to love the person without limit
I enjoyed reading this

Fabulo-la said...

You really put it down in this post.
Now if only some people would listen.

Wait you are on twitter?
How do I not know? jo.

onosetale(damsel) said...

this is nice, im not in an ldr ( or any relationship) but ur spot on!

Suru said...

Being away from a partner can be hard but this advice is really helpful.

yankeenaijababe said...

Very true, Happy Easter girl!

Fragilelooks said...


Ebony~!* said...

haaa! I know too much about LDR's mehn! you are totally right, its not for everyone! nice stuff!

neefemi said...

i agree with u a 110%....Happy Easter

于名韋成 said...

人類最偉大的力量,就是心中有希望。 ..................................................

Nice Anon said...

Yes o! LDR no be beans. Been there done that.

cici said...

omg...girl thank u thank u thank u thank u i love this in a ldr and thats the first thing people say when i told them thats its not gonna work so thanks a billion times for settling the record straight

KabiOsi Edumare said...

Right on sista.
Was having dis exact with my boss on a business trip...Lol....
12 years and gonna be living my boo till my last breath.
so counting down to my next trip to lasgidi.

We need to have a blogger LDR committee would be fun!!!!

The Girl with the Red Hair said...

Never been in one but i know its some hard decision to make. Love your breakdown of LDR

aloted said...

this post is totally on point!!! love it! thanks for sharing

my relationship before i got married was LD at some point so i know where u r coming from.

Original Mgbeke said...

I feel you mayne, nice one. LDRs are not easy and definitely not for the faint of heart.

Good to see that you're hanging in with yours. :)

Dami B! said...

true talk.....Am also in an LDR, almost two yrs now.....n things have been quite tight lately.... but we pulling it through....It is def a lot of work.....I hope it all pays off in the end tho

Myne Whitman said...

I listened to the show on Verastic blog talk radio and it was fantastic. This write-up is wow. You hit it on the head very realistically. I did LDR for almost a year and like you said, it is not for everybody.

All the best in yours and I always wish all LDRs the best. We deserve it after all the heavy investment. And because I think it is real, deep and true love that usually sustains such relationships.

moe719 said...

"Distance between two hearts is not an obstacle; rather a great reminder of just how strong true love can be."-FB LDR

Miss Enigma,

I'm currently in a long distance relationship as well. I have started a blog, a journey rather, on this path. Please read it and post comments; I'm in desperate need of advice; more so, support.

Thank you so much.

EDJ said...

Can't believe I am just seeing this post! I remember you calling in to the show and you made so much sense.
When I was co-hosting the show that is the topic that came up the most in the chat. Cheating. Also, how LDRs don't survive when the couple is finally close to each other.

Like you said, its not for everyone and it IS very expensive! Looking forward to your next post.

Ego Du Jour

Hotcakes said...

i cant believe im experiencing LDR. i never imagined happening this to me in my life

Yinkuslolo said...

oh my, I just cme back to read this post and found out that I was the first commenter.

Anyway, the news is that im an LDR now. wooozah.!!!