How's everybody doing? I guess everyone's looking 4ward to the weekend...hopefully for that much needed rest. I haven't updated or blogged in awhile bcos I've been taking time to just listen and by listen I mean reading ur blogs and dropping comments here n' there. Great job guys! So b4 I unleash my bottled up emotions let me jst say dat what am about to type is simply a written version of my chaotic thoughts @ the moment; it most likely will not be coherent,and might make no sense but please I beg u to excuse my mood, and just allow me vent.
How can something be so wonderful one minute and just be totally upsetting the next. It picks you up one minute and the next it's slamming you against the hard floor like a laborer dropping a bag of cement...and just when u think u've had enuff, it goes on to throw you in a pool of mixed emotions. You can't decide if you are drowning out of fear or if it is dat u just dnt have the will power to swim or your pride won't let you beg to be saved. You feel so many things at the same time, you think this can't be possible...you're trying to think rationally and logically but you just can't. You try to make a point, your mind is racing, your heart is pumping, your hands are making gestures, and your lips are moving but the words...the words...where are the right words to make your point?
If only I myself could understand what exactly I am feeling maybe that would help; but I have no clue. I'm so used to talking to him everyday on the phone, and hours chatting that one day without a phone-call and am mad. Honestly, am not mad truth is I miss him...but when he finally calls or comes online my pride won't let me say I missed u. Instead I have a diva attitude, I'm responding in mono-syllables, and not calling him Babie. Wivout even wasting time he apologizes and tries to explain; I know its not an everyday thing and its very unlike him but cut him some slack, I won't. Day 1, Day 2...I know am holding on to a flimsy issue for too damn long... Day 3, "Come on luv...am sorry" he says, I wanna stop and call him Babie so bad, but I've dragged a flimsy issue for so long that I dnt know how to shake it off.
3 days, he's apologized, inquired to know wats wrong, how he can fix it, and all dat...and all three days I've shot him down. Y'day he's gotten frustrated and doesn't know watelse to say so he decides to give me my space to clear my head and all. Now it's been 24hrs and not a word, and if I say I dnt miss him...na lie I talk o! I can't tell you how many times I check my fone to see if he was online, or sent a text or maybe even a missed call.
Yes I know I over-played the Diva card, but now I dnt knw how to find my way back. My stubborness won't allow me make the first move, and even if I tried wat do I say? Saying am sorry makes me feel like the weak party. I don't know man, I'll hold out till 2morrow and see what happens.
Now that I've emptied my jumbled thots...and can begin to think clearly, lemme summarize in a couple of sentences, what am not handling well and need to figure out how to. (I'm not ashamed to tell u my blogsville family that I have flaws...lol). Bcos I do not want to be considered as the weak party am picking unnecessary fights, and as a result am losing sight of when to (and not) compromise, and when to walk away.
So my question is this; "How do you compromise without feeling like the weak party? How do you pick your fights without feeling like you are over-reacting? And how do you know to walk away from certain issues for the sake of your sanity?"
This will be a topic for another day. I'm off to bed.
PS: I'm gonna laugh at myself in the morning when I read this post. Love is work o!