Sunday, October 2, 2011

Shoegasms + Sunday Blues

Happy Sunday to everyone.


I've been battling whether to blog or not. But there's some form of temporary relief I get from putting up a post. It's kind of like a letter in a bottle kind of moment. It's not directed at anyone, but just putting out there in the universe and letting it go wherever it may. Excuse me if this post comes off all disjointed and a tad bit unorganized but I could careless at the moment.


I haven't been to church in months. I was away from home most of the summer weekends, and now its fall and having to walk in the cold to and fro, just discourages me. Is it something I'm happy about? Def not. I think I need a new church too. My current church is the Salvation Army church (yeah, besides helping the needy, they do have a church. Lots of people don't know that) and its a great church structure for the most part. But this branch, doesn't have people my age. I kind of feel different, I don't know why. And its so so small a congregration that the Pastors know everyone individually. When I listen to praise songs I like to boogy down, but I can't cos everyone is gonna look at me like "What is wrong with her" *shy face* I want a church where I can dance for the Lord with other people, and not be singled out. Its just older folks at this church. *sigh* Am I wrong to want this? Or feel this way? 


Fall is here. And I am not excited, neither am I a fan. Me and cold in any form are not friends. I love warmth. But it is what it is right? So I've got to deal with it. I can believe we are in October already! I still remember Jan 2011. Christmas is around the corner. I hope when I look back on this year, I'll be happy with how far I've come. Amen.


I cried today. And that's why I'm here blogging. Blogging is temporarily therapeutic. I start off, delete, start again delete. Asking how much is too much to write, to share. I worry about people using something I put on here to hurt me...then I shdn't put anything on here u might say; I guess I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I try as much as I can to not live my life based on other people's rules or expectations.


So yeah, I cried today. Can't remember the last time I cried...scratch that I just did lol. About a month ago and it was out of anger. Today's was just as a result of holding it in, holding it together and getting through. I guess my poor eyes, and heart couldn't hold anymore. They needed to pour out and make room. :)
It's funny the thing that triggers my breakdowns. My Sis called, and the conversation was mono-syllabic and just disconnected. And then she asks, "Are you okay?"...I mumbled "I'm fine," hung up ten seconds later and the water works were in full effect. The ugly cry. 


And now as I type, the tears are streaming down. :) *sigh* MsUndercover. So what's the problem you ask? I'm honestly not sure I know...or maybe I do and can't really share. It's been about two months plus and I miss him. I miss the friendship the most. This is what happens when your boyfriend is also a bestfriend...you lose both. As much as I want to talk to him, I restrain myself from reaching out, because I don't want to send out the wrong message...and make him think that I want us back, because wanting us back will mean I am willing to commit to a long distance rship for the time being...and that I cannot promise. I do not have the strength and will power for that. And it will be selfish of me to reach out to fulfill my need for my bestfriend, when he's hurting for a relationship lost. So instead of dragging him on to this roller-coaster of emotions that I'm on, I leave him be. 


I need new friends  acquaintances in my life. People to do things with and help keep me busy, distracted and generally help get me out of this depressed mood. I don't like it. I need a distraction, and no not a male distraction, I haven't learned how to not get attached yet so until then no men for me. There are so many activities in this crazy NY, but my commute won't allow me partake :( . This is why I want to move so bad...Lord find me a room-mate please!


In other less depressing news, I went shopping yesterday. People eat when they are down, I shop. Plus I haven't gone shopping in weeksss! So I indulged heavily yesterday X_X. Don't judge me. Neways, the shoe-goddesses were on my side yesterday 'cos I don't know how else to explain these:


Halston from Bakers for $39.99!!!


Jessica Simpson from TJMaxx for $39.99!!!

For someone who doesn't go out often, wears jeans and a top to work Mon - Fri, and stays indoors most weekends, I should not be buying shoes lol. But c'mon at 40 bucks, these were a good deal! My other weakness, skirts! Especially the ones with pockets! I like them cos you can wear them in Summer, and also in Fall and Spring too with tights :) *sigh* The things that make my heart go pitter patter. 


Aiight me darlings, see the tears have stopped flowing, for now...I pray it stays this way all through the week and through next weekend! Let me go and try and prepare for the week, and generally be productive. All this crying, and things I dnt like at allllllllll!!!!! Mba nu! But yeah, if you're ever in the NY area please, please holla...I need people who will motivate and drag me out from underneath this warm duvet and bed that I plant myself in Fri - Sun. It's NOT the way forward, and it's not me! I'm the girl who loves to have a good time, wants everyone to have a good time too! But above all, put me in your prayers...for strength from the Lord, and guidance.


Have a wonderful and blessed week everyone!


Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma :) 

4 comments:

Jayde Curlz said...

Eyah...so sorry...it happens sometimes...about the bestfriend thingy...jst know something: that u shud never think u won't find a better bestfriend. There are many ppl in this world to still meet and interact with. That means I personally think u shud try going out, stop underestimating ppl's opinions, advices and stuff cos they cud help. And like uv made us understand, that uv not got many peeps over there in NewYork, then try often to blog and get in contact with other ppl who don't know u and may want to meet u.
I always love to read ur blogs. Originality!
Instead of Enigma's 'Hugs and kisses,' i'l say
Handshake and knuckles,
Jayde Curlz, XCI.

lovelife4sale said...

it is brave of you to realize the problem with getting back in touch with your ex and even being able to stay away even though you miss him as a friend. most times, people like me often give in, and a vicious cycle of loathing begins. haha. we glad you letting it all out.
things to do in NYC.... restuarants, Jazz lounges, Hookah Lounges, Museums, Spoken Poetry.... these are all the things i can think of.

LE DYNAMIQUE PROFESSEUR said...

This is perhaps the time for you to learn all you can... keep learning and stop hurting. Make more friends and enjoy the friendship... what you make of friends is what you often get; Be wise.

- LDP

Destiny - Yankeenaijachick + Success said...

those shoes look beautiful, I love how you share your stories, really strong and brave, don't worry about it all, in due time everything will pull through