Shoegasms + Sunday Blues

Happy Sunday to everyone.


I've been battling whether to blog or not. But there's some form of temporary relief I get from putting up a post. It's kind of like a letter in a bottle kind of moment. It's not directed at anyone, but just putting out there in the universe and letting it go wherever it may. Excuse me if this post comes off all disjointed and a tad bit unorganized but I could careless at the moment.


I haven't been to church in months. I was away from home most of the summer weekends, and now its fall and having to walk in the cold to and fro, just discourages me. Is it something I'm happy about? Def not. I think I need a new church too. My current church is the Salvation Army church (yeah, besides helping the needy, they do have a church. Lots of people don't know that) and its a great church structure for the most part. But this branch, doesn't have people my age. I kind of feel different, I don't know why. And its so so small a congregration that the Pastors know everyone individually. When I listen to praise songs I like to boogy down, but I can't cos everyone is gonna look at me like "What is wrong with her" *shy face* I want a church where I can dance for the Lord with other people, and not be singled out. Its just older folks at this church. *sigh* Am I wrong to want this? Or feel this way? 


Fall is here. And I am not excited, neither am I a fan. Me and cold in any form are not friends. I love warmth. But it is what it is right? So I've got to deal with it. I can believe we are in October already! I still remember Jan 2011. Christmas is around the corner. I hope when I look back on this year, I'll be happy with how far I've come. Amen.


I cried today. And that's why I'm here blogging. Blogging is temporarily therapeutic. I start off, delete, start again delete. Asking how much is too much to write, to share. I worry about people using something I put on here to hurt me...then I shdn't put anything on here u might say; I guess I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I try as much as I can to not live my life based on other people's rules or expectations.


So yeah, I cried today. Can't remember the last time I cried...scratch that I just did lol. About a month ago and it was out of anger. Today's was just as a result of holding it in, holding it together and getting through. I guess my poor eyes, and heart couldn't hold anymore. They needed to pour out and make room. :)
It's funny the thing that triggers my breakdowns. My Sis called, and the conversation was mono-syllabic and just disconnected. And then she asks, "Are you okay?"...I mumbled "I'm fine," hung up ten seconds later and the water works were in full effect. The ugly cry. 


And now as I type, the tears are streaming down. :) *sigh* MsUndercover. So what's the problem you ask? I'm honestly not sure I know...or maybe I do and can't really share. It's been about two months plus and I miss him. I miss the friendship the most. This is what happens when your boyfriend is also a bestfriend...you lose both. As much as I want to talk to him, I restrain myself from reaching out, because I don't want to send out the wrong message...and make him think that I want us back, because wanting us back will mean I am willing to commit to a long distance rship for the time being...and that I cannot promise. I do not have the strength and will power for that. And it will be selfish of me to reach out to fulfill my need for my bestfriend, when he's hurting for a relationship lost. So instead of dragging him on to this roller-coaster of emotions that I'm on, I leave him be. 


I need new friends  acquaintances in my life. People to do things with and help keep me busy, distracted and generally help get me out of this depressed mood. I don't like it. I need a distraction, and no not a male distraction, I haven't learned how to not get attached yet so until then no men for me. There are so many activities in this crazy NY, but my commute won't allow me partake :( . This is why I want to move so bad...Lord find me a room-mate please!


In other less depressing news, I went shopping yesterday. People eat when they are down, I shop. Plus I haven't gone shopping in weeksss! So I indulged heavily yesterday X_X. Don't judge me. Neways, the shoe-goddesses were on my side yesterday 'cos I don't know how else to explain these:

Halston from Bakers for $39.99!!!

Jessica Simpson from TJMaxx for $39.99!!!

For someone who doesn't go out often, wears jeans and a top to work Mon - Fri, and stays indoors most weekends, I should not be buying shoes lol. But c'mon at 40 bucks, these were a good deal! My other weakness, skirts! Especially the ones with pockets! I like them cos you can wear them in Summer, and also in Fall and Spring too with tights :) *sigh* The things that make my heart go pitter patter. 


Aiight me darlings, see the tears have stopped flowing, for now...I pray it stays this way all through the week and through next weekend! Let me go and try and prepare for the week, and generally be productive. All this crying, and things I dnt like at allllllllll!!!!! Mba nu! But yeah, if you're ever in the NY area please, please holla...I need people who will motivate and drag me out from underneath this warm duvet and bed that I plant myself in Fri - Sun. It's NOT the way forward, and it's not me! I'm the girl who loves to have a good time, wants everyone to have a good time too! But above all, put me in your prayers...for strength from the Lord, and guidance.


Have a wonderful and blessed week everyone!


Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma :) 

...Are You Happy?

Hi Guys,


It's been a very very long minute.
Sorry my life got a bit chaotic, and just had to take some time off here.
Work is going okay...6months so far and it kinda feels longer than that. Bless God for everything.
My side gig is going good, baby-steps in the right direction hopefully. Was part of a big Naija event recently and I am grateful for the experience and the connections made. God go continue go dey make me bigger in Jesus name.


I was reading Neefemi's post about a friend asking her if she was happy...and that's a question I've been asking myself and everybody has been asking me in the past two months plus. And I still don't know what my answer is. What is happiness? How do you measure happiness? Is happiness a fleeting moment? Is it a conscious decision regardless of what's happening within and around you? How do you decide to be happy when somewhere within you there are questions of what-if, nagging at you and tugging at you?


So yeah, I don't know if I am happy, because I am not exactly sure what this happiness truly is. But there are moments during my day when I smile. When I'm drowning heavy in my PR work, keeping busy, surrounded by people, having a good time and in good company, I don't feel low, or sad. I laugh, I dance, I smile, I give hugs, air kisses and I can be described as bubbly. But then there are those moments, usually when it's just me, myself and I, when I'm having conversations in my head and playing back the tape of my life so far and daydreaming of what the future could possibly hold, I can't help but wonder and ask myself questions.


Did I make the right decision? They say it's usually toughest just before dawn. Did I give up just before dawn? Am I such a heartless, and selfish person for walking away when I was needed? *sigh* I'm not the most generous or kindest or a Mother Teresa kind of person, but I do the best I can to be there for people close to me and whom I love. And in times like this when I'm the one now causing someone and in a way myself pain and hurt, it sucks! It really does. But God knows I tried. I believe I did. And as much as I would like to hang in there, and be strong... I just don't have the strength to keep on. I feel drained. 
If you watch Grey's Anatomy and remember when Meredith was drowning and refused to swim or save herself...and Derek kept asking her why? That's what this feels like.


I just can't will myself, my heart and my mind to hold on. I'm just there watching as it slips away and I just can't will myself to hold on. And before u say oh isn't it worth fighting for? It is. But I dnt have the strength. *sigh* I wonder if I'll regret letting a really good one go. Will I ever find one just as good or even better? They say its hard to find these days...but that if you get back on the scene, take ur time and pray u'll find a good one. Problem is I've never really been on the scene, so I feel like a fish out of water. Having to start all over, learn a new person all over, likes and dislikes, their past, present and dreams, to begin building all over *sigh*


I miss companionship
I miss conversations; deep and trivial
I miss jokes; new and repeated
I miss arguments; nah not really
I miss the endearing name calling
I miss the understanding that comes with time together
I miss feeling like part of a team
I miss knowing that I'm someone's woman
I miss my bestfriend; real bad


What I don't miss?


I don't miss having to wait 11months to be kissed, held and cuddled
I don't miss having to wait 11months before cooking and eating together
I don't miss coming home to loneliness and a cold bed and wishing
I don't miss the numbness I get from typing for hours on bbm
I don't miss not being able to make weekend plans even if it meant hopping on a plane to go visit him a few hrs away...


My point is distance sucks! It's not like ending the relationship means I get to do all these things automatically...no it doesn't. But at least I'm in not in pain of longing and wishing and hoping. Now I just know I dnt have it at all, than to have it and its out of reach. I miss him sometimes. But they say time heals. I just hope I didn't let "the one" go.


Let me go and eat and try and be productive for the remaining 6 hours of the day. I've been trying to immerse myself in work cos when I'm busy I don't have time to think or feel or second guess...but as for happiness, I don't really know what it means but from hour to hour, day to day I try to find a smile here, or a laugh there and just be. I've never really been single so this is new to me, I'm trying to enjoy it and find myself lol these are terms single ppl sometimes use to deceive themselves lol but its all good. It is well!


Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma!

Day #5: My Ex Should Know That...

Hi Me Darlings,


So I fell off track with my 30 Day blogging challenge, but I'm not quitting! I had a crazy 4th of July weekend; ended up not going to Orlando. Flight issues. Felt so miserable at the airport, after waiting for 7hours only to be told oh, the flight is fully booked and you can't get on! *sigh* I broke down in tears, I guess it was all the frustration from other stuff. So instead of going home to be alone, depressed and sulking I took a cab to my friends place in Jersey City...and I had an awesome weekend with friends. Chillin', shopping for things for their apartment, movies (Transformers 3...loved it), fireworks, and I cooked for the bunch of us a couple of times! I don't get a chance to cook for people and entertain, it was nice to cook, have people eat and just be happy! Looking forward to spending my b'day weekend (this weekend) with 'em again. Finally decided on what to do. :)
No we are not going out to dinner.
No I am not having a house party.
No we are not hitting the club.
We are bringing the club with us anywhere we decide to go :) ....Party-bus!!


I wanted something different, and this is def different...we've never done this before. Will let you know how it goes! 
PS: The bus we booked has 2 stripper poles lol...that is all! I'm getting old and getting to the age where certain things I can't be doing as often, so I'm gonna enjoy this birthday and have a good time. 


Now on to my 30 Day Challenge: Things I Want To Say An Ex:


Here's the thing, I don't have a handful of exes. I honestly would say I have only one. This is because my rships have been long, and by long I mean at least 2yrs. And I began dating at about 17/18 so I've only had 2 rships since then. So that being said there's only one ex, and honestly I'm not sure what I would wanna say to him at this point but I'll try sha...


- First off, I'm sorry for the way things ended. There's never a happy ending or a fun way to  handle a break-up but I'm sure I could have broken the news to you in a better way. It was my first break-up, and I cared for you so much that I too couldn't believe it was happening, couldn't fully wrap my head around how and why all of a sudden I wanted out. I wish we had maybe talked it out more, I don't know if that would have helped tho.


I think it would have helped, because I would have figured out the real reason why I wanted out...and I would have (maybe) given it more thought before entering into another relationship, because I would have been aware of certain things that I wasn't aware of earlier on in this rship. 


I don't regret breaking up with you, it was def bound to happen at some point. Your life-style was wrong, regardless of how much I tried to justify why you did what you did, it was wrong. And me helping you out with was even worse *sigh* 


I also wish we still talked or at least say hi, but people say its selfish for the one who ended the relationship to always expect to still be friends or watever...but some form of cordial communication would be nice because I shared certain memories with you that nobody else would understand but oh well..it is what it is right?


Neways, I hope you're doing good. I'm doing great! Life has it's ups and downs, but I think I've done good thus far. :) Wish you the very, very best! Ciao!


Hugs & Kisses,
Miss Enigma!     
  

U will Survive...

Hello Blogsville,

How you doing? Hope everyone is doing well, and ur week got off to great start!
Guess who I just saw on TV? Yup our own Kemberley; saw her on the Wendy Williams show. U go girl...we got ur back. Of which, if u dnt follow that show biko, u shd invest...its funny, entertaining and just a total mess, but u cnt help but love her! She's like the girlfriend who tells u the truth without hurting ur feelings or making u feel insecure...and she's also sensitive to personal issues too. I love her!

Also, Gloria Gaynor was on the show today performing the well known song "I Will Survive...", and I immediately thought of all my heart-broken darlings on blogsville, and so I'm dedicating the song to all of them...Sugabelly 2.0, Bubbles, Juiceegal and everyother blogsville resident both male/female who feels like they can't go on, because a piece of them has walked away. I want you all to know that you will survive. And we are here to hold ur hand, send u e-hugs, pray for you, cry with you, watch romantic movies, eat ice-cream, and Cheesepuffs(Bubbles...lol)...we are here for u!!!



I had other things to talk about but my memory fails me ryt now...

Oh yes! I went for the Gospel Concert on saturday after work. I initially didn't know what to expect, but I have decided to keep an open mind about things, try them out (nothing crazy like drugs sha oo...lol), and give people a chance and generally step out of my comfort zone and live life. So with that in mind, I got dressed and went. And boy did I have great time!!!
The event took place @ the Waldorf Astoria in NY, and the hall was packed full of people having a goodtime in His presence. Blacks, Caucasians, Asians, Africans, Spanish...u name it, if the Lord created them, they were there giving Him is due. The performers included Ron Kenoly, Martha Munizzi, Jaci Velasquez, Cece Winans (I missed her performance tho :( ) and a bunch of other performers whose names I can't remember sha. And the Lady who organizes it is Nigerian, so at the end she started singing Nigerian songs, and the crowd joined in, those who cldn't sing just danced...now that's worship on a different level! To my friend/blogger who invited me, thank you, thank you very much...I look forward to next year!

My next post is my 50th!!! I know others have celebrated bigger numbers, but am super excited, and happy! So I'll see u guys in my next post when Miss Enigma's Journal is 50 posts old. Final call for any questions u may have...!!! Going, going, gone!

Have a blessed and uber fabulous day!!!
Talk to you guys soon,
xoxo,
Miss Enigma!!!

A Letter to the Ex...(Last Scene)

Dear Ex,

It's unfortunate that it had to come to this. I wish there was an easier way to put an end to what we had, but there wasn't and so things happened the way they did. Regardless, I don't think there really is an easy way of breaking up with someone...especially when the other person doesn't see it coming; but I had to do what I had to do. All through the period we were together, we were like best friends, but breaking up changes that too. It's impossible (in my opinion) to maintain such a tight friendship after that, but I guess you thought differently. You still wanted your best-friend to be there to help you understand the hows and whys, and hold your hand through the healing process...but I needed to heal too. And true healing would not be achieved by both of us still meddling in each others emotions; we had to let go.

From our recent conversations, its clear you didn't, you haven't, and because I did, you hold some amount of resentment towards me. I totally understand, and it's ok for you to feel this way. I had hoped that by now you would have gotten over everything and that maybe, just maybe for history sake we could be cordial...simple hellos, his, and all, because I hate to erase people from my life like they were never there, (I'm still able to have conversations with my first ex, and just see how we both are doing, no strings attached) but like I said, it's clear that we can't have that. I'm not a bad person or a selfish person as you insinuated in our discussion, and because I'm not, I'm letting you go, setting you free. In the words of Leona Lewis reworded

Since there's no more you and me, It's time I let you go so you can be free, and live your
life how it should be... It will all get better in time.

Trust me it will.

I'm doing this not because I have moved on and am in a better place, but because I want you to move on and be in a better place too. Why? Because you deserve it, we both do. And when you get there you'll understand... it's a place where words cannot describe...it is a feeling like no other...you wake up every morning with the same excitement as the first time...subtle acts and kind words leave you with a constant smile...a place where misunderstandings are fine-tuned to better understand the other...and your heart, eyes and actions say much more than your lips ever could...Its a place where no painter can paint, no photographer can capture in film because this place comes from the joy and inner peace of being able to love yourself for who you are, and have someone else love you same, and you wanting to share that feeling with that someone.

The last time we spoke, you asked me what I wanted from you, and I didn't reply then. I want nothing...you gave me three years, and am grateful for them and for lessons learnt. I wish you well and all that you wish yourself...Goodluck in life and all your future endeavors...may the good Lord continue to be with you.

Bye,
Your Ex.

PS: Seeing as this post is already long, and I dnt wanna bore u guys, I'll save my comment on the whole drama till my next post. Thanks guys for being there!!!


Talk to you soon,
xoxo
Miss Enigma!

Case of the Ex

PS: This post is a random rant, and to better understand it you might need back-ground information. If you do let me know if not, all well and good.

PPS: Please excuse any grammatical or typo errors, and any uncensored profanities.

It's been about six months since we called it quits...since I ended it and we went our separate ways. The first couple of weeks were rough; I kept wondering if I had made the right decision, and when I was gonna realize I made a mistake. But after today's conversation with him and the constant back n' forth... I have no doubt that I made the right decision, and I'm so happy I did. I'm calm now, but about hour ago...all I wanted to do was scream profane words at him; why da hell are u bringing unnecessary issues? are you out of your f***ing mind? how dare you say such to me? R u f***ing kidding me?...u get the picture!


We had been together for three years,and two out of those three years had been long-distance. Met him my first year in Uni in Naij, we were in the same department (major). For some reason I was attracted to him, he was a nice guy (still is), but communicating was a problem for us. He never understood what I said and I guess I never understood him either, and so we had regular arguments/ misunderstandings, but I stuck it out and stayed. When I finally moved to yankee, the arguments got worse.
If I ddn't pick the phone when he called, we argued or he wld ask 'so is there someone else that has ur attention.'
He would make statements that sounded hurtful or derogatory and then say he was joking.
He ddn't get my jokes I cldn't stand his.
During his last semester in school, whenever I asked wat his plans were, he said I made him feel insecure...and felt like I was asking him if he cld tke care of me financially.... the list goes on, and I stayed on.


You ask why I stayed? I wish I have sensible answer but I don't. I knew he was insecure but I felt as he grew older maybe he'll out grow that and be more confident in himself and his abilities. I guess am just an optimistic person, I see the glass half full. But sometime last year I got a reason to leave, and although it didn't seem right then am happy I did...(story for another day) :). Initially after the break-up, we ddn't communicate but when I was going to 9ja in Jan. I told him I was coming, when I got there he went MIA. I honestly wasn't bothered bcos I was there for other reasons.


Out of the blue last month, he sends me a message on FB, basically sayin' hi and checking up on me. I've moved on and I thot he had bcos he told me he was seeing someone; so once in awhile we'd chat online, exchange pleasantries and all that. Only for today he started speaking a language that I honestly could not understand; talking about how he doesn't think we can be friends, becos when I broke up with him and he asked if it was ok for us to be friends I said I didn't know. Anyways, we go back n' forth for a couple of mins and tell him that I get it if he's still hurt, vexed or watever but that if he dsn't want to have a cordial relationship then no wahala, that's totally fine by me but that I just assumed that becos of history sake, we could at least be cordial.


At this point I'm irritated and just really pissed and about to sign off when he tells me oh I was only joking, and that they are just words. Starts to apologize, but I dnt respond. Then he asks, "what do you want from me?" I stare at the screen, smile and say to myself "Nothing" and sign off. I am so glad I let him go, let it all go. I'm grateful for those three years, but I miss them not!


Talk to you soon!
xoxo
Miss Enigma!

When does "the past" become...."the past"?

We call it "the past", but when does it really become just that; the past. Once in a while, it finds ways to creep into our present and it brings with it memories, that either make us smile, wonder, question and sometimes do things. Today, mine brings doubt and second-guessing thoughts that hold me from giving, for fear that "the past" will repeat itself. Deep inside I know this isn't a repeat of "the past" and besides, life is a race you have to be in it, to win it. I'm alive so I have no excuse not to be in the race...I tripped and fell before, but I'm going to keep running and if I fall again as a result of life's numerous hurdles, I'll pick myself back up; and God willing my Sun will be there to lend a hand.

Time heals; thats what they say
But what I want to know is
How much time I need
I want to look pretty for you
But I'm covered, with bruises
Bruises that have followed me
From my past

They not only remind me of the past
But bring with them dark clouds
That over-shadow my sun filled sky
You are my Sun
And I want to be your Rainbow
But these dark clouds won't let me

Even with my bruises and clouds
U refuse to set on me
But continue to rise
With the hopes that if u rise high enough
These clouds will move over
And my bruises will fade away



I long to share the skies with you
Be by your side as you rise
And as you set, just to bask in your rays
From East to West
You are my Sun
And I, your Rainbow


- Miss Enigma.

PS: This is not an attempt to be creative, artistic or anything of the sort. It is simply a way of expressing/putting in words, my present state of mind.
Have a great day guys!